I attract myself these days by becoming myself.

There’s a lot of stuff we need to make peace with to be someone we are attracted to. I crave to be seen; my earliest memory is waiting in perpetuity for my mother’s eyes. Waiting didn’t bring it, so I tried seeing myself in others. I was shaped by those biases and limitations, influenced by those I have loved and not loved. That was the formation of my ego.

It turns out that it is not me.

Many times, in my younger years, I fell under the dominant influence of attraction and chemistry, later to learn that other instinctual intelligences are equally important to my design. I am still learning the value of balance.

Wally is the only person I have ever known who is committed to a spiritually conscious life with me, accepting all that that entails. I need a lot of attention. I can still feel lonely. Yes, he sees me, and what is important to me. That is good ground.

Still, one person cannot meet every longing. For me, the instinctual drive to merge has to be satisfied by a variety of aesthetic devotions. Loneliness has morphed from alienation to discovering my own mettle as good company. I serve beauty, art, poetry, and nature. That drive becomes impulse and impetus in the ecology of my lived life. People will see what they want to see, and no one but themselves can choose otherwise. Beauty is not only in the eye of the beholder, but in the experience that beauty also sees me. This feels like pure perception, and the reciprocity is what finally satisfies me.

This is how I am becoming.

Another epiphany: as I attend to my own becoming, I have only me to give. It is important to see and be. I wish to be. I can be. I have the power to be. I will be… and by being, catalyze others to see and be.

Could it be that to be is not for self, but for service? What a concept!